One of the most important parenting practices is good communication. Communication is especially important during adolescence, when old patterns of communications may have to be altered to fit the growing needs and capabilities of your adolescent.


During adolescence, your teen is striving to gain independence, yet still retain close ties to the family. The family's communication can contribute to the general atmosphere of the family's day-to-day interactions.

Finding time to communicate with your teen may prove to be a challenge in today's busy world. Devoting just a few minutes a day to listening actively to your teen is a good place to start. Here are five practical tips that will enhance communication with your teens.

• Listen, listen and listen
• Paraphrase
• Avoid "either/or" statements
• Use effective body language
• Use an appropriate tone of voice


Listen, listen and listen

And listen some more. Don't fall into the trap of planning what you want to say while your teen is still speaking. You may not agree with what your child is saying but you should work for understanding.


Paraphrase

The sign of genuine listening is the ability to repeat not only what your child says but also how he or she seems to feel and why. A sample formula is "You seem a bit overwhelmed when you talk about your schoolwork because there's so much to do." Or "You seem pretty angry when I ask you to do your chores because you don't think that I'm being fair."


Avoid "either/or" statements

A common parental approach to an argument may sound something like "Either you do what I say, or you're grounded forever". And the natural inclination is for teenagers to see how long we can stand them around the house. We should never say "either you... or..." unless we are ready and able to carry out the "or". A more effective approach is to give your child options and thereby enable them to develop their decision-making skills. So, instead of "Either you clear your room today or you're in for the weekend," a better phrasing might be "On which day would you rather clear your room?" - which is not to say "Do you want to clear your room?"


Use effective body language

When talking with teens, don't be doing something else that's distracting, like reading the papers. You demonstrate that you are giving full attention to your child by maintaining good eye contact, facing your teen and leaning forward if either is sitting down. Non-verbal support and encouragement by giving a smile, a hug, a pat on the shoulder, nodding the head, or reaching for your child's hand is very important.


Use an appropriate tone of voice

The tone of voice is very important in effective communication. Your tone should not come across to your children as sarcastic, all-knowing, or even disinterested. Your use of encouraging phrases with a genuine tone of voice demonstrates your interest and keeps the conversation going. Phrases that are helpful include "And then what happened? What did you do next? How did that feel? Tell me more about that."

Try using these tips with your adolescent. After some practice, introduce your family to the idea of using effective communication skills. Describe the tips presented here, and take turns being the listener. See the difference that good communication skills can make in your family.


Adapted from the book "Tips For Raising Teens: A Primer For Parents" by Robert J. Mc.
Available for loan from the National Library.